Don’t Wake Up From Dreaming BillsMafia!

Photo of S Jordan Poyer from CBSsports.com.

This feels like there should be a parade. I’ve been hanging out on Delaware Avenue for days. Could someone bring more flasks? It’s 10 degrees in Buffalo, which is the warmest place on Earth.

Why not overindulge a bit? Alka-Seltzer was invented for such emergency revelry. Buy in bulk. The Bills Mafia didn’t exist the last time the team in question did this.

Likewise, the last Buffalo Bills playoff appearance came before the invention of computers, helium the alphabet, agriculture, and fire. Scientists theorize the Earth just began sustaining life whenever that historical game occurred, so feel free to order wild card apparel even if that seems like a short-term splurge.

Partying for the first time since the odometer flipped may throw off chronometers.  So, don’t forget there’s another game. It’s not on the original schedule, which is novel. Other teams may be used to this whole extra-play scenario. Don’t be alarmed that we still get to watch football.

Photo of Doug Marrone from 247sports.com.

I wonder if there are any storylines involving facing an old quitting coach. Doug Marrone may finally motivate the Bills. The most unexpected postseason participant can’t act as if they’re happy to be here.

The present edition didn’t let some hideous streak define them. These liberated fellas should show they really don’t care about history by arranging a third game with New England.

Most people end a year by watching a clock wait for midnight. We counted the minutes until 4:25 p.m. That’s when ulcers really began. For once, pregame stress didn’t lead to devastation. I suspected it was possible yet dreamed of an example.

The franchise isn’t at a point where it can rest starters in the finale, which meant excitement through the end. Sure, it’s preferable to beat up more foes during the regular season. But yelling into pillows Sunday night ended up being fun in retrospect.

Photo from USATODAY.com.

Miami did its part by refusing to care. Helmet-throwing befits a divisional rival in its way. The Bills did what they could while the Dolphins didn’t seem bothered.  Remember to loathe them later. There’s another Florida team to sneer at this week. I’m sure Jacksonville’s great even if I despise their pro team for now.

Watch everyone’s favorite touchdown run for the hundredth time to distract from a new kind of anxiety. Kyle Williams must come back next season to play both sides of the ball. For now, he can take snaps for LeSean McCoy if it gets to that, although this would be a good week to deplete the club’s stockpile of Mutant Growth Hormone.

Tracking three other games seems fun in retrospect. A short attention span finally pays off, so thank social media. Do it now before forgetting in three seconds.

I’m not even mad that the Chargers and Titans didn’t help by playing awfully. Like last month’s ignored temptation to cash in a 401(k) and buy Bitcoin, that scenario can be happily forgotten.

Photo of Cincinnati Bengals WR Tyler Boyd after catching a TD pass from QB Andy Dalton to clinch a playoff berth for the Buffalo Bills. Photo from al.com.

Another Queen City deserves the royal treatment. Andy Dalton helped us, so help him help kids. Did I mention how much I like chili and WKRP? Also, this is a good time to emphasize that Cincinnati native Bootsy Collins embodies how humans should funk.

We can finally savor something more than a moral victory, which is a synonym for a loss. This tangible advancement is particularly impressive because of expectations, which were once as low as Johnny Manziel’s jersey sales. Now, the Bills are in the playoffs while Mister Football is in Hamilton.  Say what you’d like about life, but at least it’s not always predictable.

Isn’t this more fun than using 10 losses to scheme about obtaining a rookie quarterback? I was preparing myself out of habit to claim it was better for this club to struggle for the playoffs and fall short.

Then they went ahead and advanced. Signs of improvement beat moving up a few draft slots. We’re presently enjoying a trip past a notable landmark. A free weekend day in early January isn’t all that fun.

I only think of the draft to think about how I’m not thinking about it. A sincere effort is its own reward. Even without knowing they’d blessedly finally advance, it would’ve been pointless to try to ‘out-Cleveland’ the Browns. All those high picks didn’t help them win a game.  Ask their fans if annual devastation pays off if you can find anyone willing to admit it.

Photo from NHL.com.

That other team in the One Buffalo Portfolio is envious. Who thought the Sabres would be the slacker between the two? The pro tankers are still trying to recover from being awful on purpose. Cunning management thought it would be easy after getting to make draft picks early. Now, not getting crushed on New Year’s Day is considered progress.

Finally surviving the most extreme elimination challenge is especially impressive for a roster held together with gum and pudding cans. Injuries and a gaunt depth chart are obstacles, not excuses.

Good teams address business no matter what. The Bills didn’t look capable in early November or at most times since 2000. But the past doesn’t define them starting now.

Sweet relief from 17 straight encounters with agony is a good start. A franchise’s ceaseless goal should be a championship, not grabbing one wild card per century. The Bills shouldn’t simply be happy to be here.

Oscar nominees elated at getting to attend the ceremony nonetheless ought to disappointed if they fail to take home a trophy. Don’t let Daniel Day-Lewis intimidate you.

At a time for platitudes about change that accompanies new calendars, the Bills actually followed through on a resolution.

They’ve clearly been hitting the gym. Jacksonville’s pass rush may tempt them to decide they’ve improved enough. But if the Bills thought we freaked out over a mere appearance, imagine the joyous riot after not stopping there.

Editor’s babble: Anthony Bialy’s columns have helped many of us survive the drought through his uncanny ability to help us laugh through our tears. We are so grateful for his contributions to our blog. You can follow Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy. Happy New Year!

About Anthony Bialy

Anthony Bialy lives in New York City and acts like he's still in Buffalo. He thinks "Buffalo 66" is biographical and considers it a crime against mankind that Steve Tasker is not in the Hall of Fame. He knows every bodega in Manhattan which sells Labatt Blue. Follow him on Twitter at @AnthonyBialy.